just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
