I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
