I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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