so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
