dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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