my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
