I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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