Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
