I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
