Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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