I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
