The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
