before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
