Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
