hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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