Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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