just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
