That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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