So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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