I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
