hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
