I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
