Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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