Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
ttyl tear gas
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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