dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
