your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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