is your mom at the bar?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
