last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
