I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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