my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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