I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Someone signed my nipple.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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