i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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