My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
