In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You're like the curious george of whores
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
