If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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