My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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