I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
