saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
