i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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