If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
