the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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