I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
