The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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