If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Rumble strips road head = magical
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
