Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
