I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
