Your face is a jimmy john
i already hear my dad disowning me
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
