I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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