Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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