I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
