Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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